I Cannot Be Afraid Anymore

I never wanted to believe that this day would come, but I am writing to you for the very last time from Rome. I write out of a slight ignorance, as I should probably be studying for my exams tomorrow, but I am inspired and I will write.

It seems as if living in Rome has only become a palpable reality in the past few days. For me, this is what has made this trip a true learning experience. I have lived in Rome, not merely vacationing or sightseeing, but living and breathing and relaxing in the same space as the Romans. I can walk with a confidence in the morning to class. I can give directions to lost tourists. I have soaked up the Italian culture and it has rewarded me. Of course, over the five weeks I have been here I have learned many facts about the Italian people, about the expanse of the Roman Empire and the strength of the Renaissance and Baroque movements. But, I would say none of these compare to the real lessons I have learned.

My favorite movie of all time is Good Will Hunting, featuring Matt Damon, Ben Afleck, and Robin Williams. In particular, there is a certain scene where Robin William's character is sitting on the bench with Will Hunting (Matt Damon) and gives this naive youngster (not unlike myself) a real lesson. Robin's character, Sean Maguire, says, "So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling." I can now say that I know that old musty smell of the fresco.

I will be honest with you, before college and especially before this trip, I was just like Will Hunting, not in terms of genius, but in terms of never letting experience be a predominant player in how I discovered things. The concrete reality of the facts presented in books was enough. But, after this time I have spent in the eternal city, I agree with Sean Maguire. This trip has only been about experience. No amount of reading or research can tell you how to experience Rome. No map can be a guide if you do not develop your sense of direction. No theory or idea can describe why the Sistine Chapel is beautiful. Only experience can guide you through these things.

Travel has been my greatest teacher. I am sure former teachers of mine will read this and be slightly offended, but don't feel too bad. Travel has brought me to a new part of the world and let that part remain with me for awhile. Come Sunday, nostalgia will begin its slow process of taking over the memories of my time here. I will remember this life I lived here and remember it fondly. I will remember that the world is giant and I am small, but people are good and people are welcoming This journey has given me hope, a hope that is vital in this day and age when pessimism runs rampant and people are losing hope in humanity.

Before departing from the US in May, I was warned by almost everyone I met of the threat various terror organizations posed upon Europe as a whole. I was told to be weary. I was told to be afraid. It was time to lose hope. But, for every scary experience I have had here in Rome (there have been very few) there have been numerous more positive ones. Whether it was the smile the homeless man on the Ponte Sisto gave me every morning, rain or shine, whether I had change for him or not. Whether it was the forgiving nature of the Italians to whom I spoke their language very poorly. Whether it was witnessing the pope stand side by side with refugees from Syria. I have seen why there is hope. There is hope and it is my plan to live out that hope.

I will miss everything about this place. Our humble abode at Vicolo Del Cinque 22. The smallest shower in Italy, that greeted me with occasional warm water on a good day. The rough feel of cobblestone on the base of my shoes. The wonder of finding new and old things alike. The food. Yes, the food will be missed. Especially, the pizza. I'll miss the experience of going to the bar and watching Italians watch their team play soccer. It might just be a religion. I will miss my Wednesdays with the Pope. I will miss my city.

It hurts to write this. I hurt knowing I have to leave behind a people I attempted to blend in to for a month. I will no longer have the Colosseum, or the Trevi Fountain, or the majestic beautiful Churches at my disposal to enjoy and explore. But, I do have consolation in the fact that I am going back to the place I call home. In fact, while Rome will always be a small part of home, home will always be where mom and dad are or where I can bug my sister. So, mom and dad, know that I am ready to see you and hope you haven't had too much fun without me. Hopefully my room hasn't become the next storage closet. 

But, in all seriousness, sometimes, even when you're having the time of your life, you still need mom and dad. Specifically, to mom, dad, and Hannah, I have had the privilege of going through the Holy Door at St. Peter's Basilica four times. Obviously, once for myself (we all know I need it!!), and once for each of you. Each of those times, I went through with you in mind. I can't bring back to you gold and silver, or even a nice Italian pizza, but I hope I can bring some hope and consolation in the Mercy of God. I love you guys. Thank you for being patient and being okay with texting only every once in a while and not every moment of every day (that one is for you mom!).

I leave for the States on Saturday morning. After finals tomorrow, we will have a farewell dinner where I will get to enjoy a last meal with all of the wonderful people I have met here. I will have to say goodbye, but not forever, just until August. I'm not sure what I will feel the morning of our flight out of Italy. I don't particularly want to think about it. But, I am optimistic that this will be only the first of many experiences abroad. The next time you here from me will probably be in the States, so feel free to ask me about my time in the Eternal City. I have enough to talk about for a lifetime.

Okay, I made it through writing this without an emotional breakdown. Now, just to make it till Saturday. I am always shocked with each subsequent blog post that people are even interested in what I have to say. So, in that way, I thank you for bearing with my rambling and philosophizing. What I have to say is nothing compared to the vivacity of this city that will never die, that lives on in the hearts and minds of all it has welcomed for the three millennia it has existed. I have experienced a small taste of that "Love that moves the Sun and the other stars" which Dante found in Paradise.

From the Eternal City, with lots of love and plenty of thanks,

Jacob F. Maestri